"Forever Family"

Since I cannot use her real name for the following post I will refer to one of the children on my caseload as "Mary":

In July of 2009 I met Mary, a vivacious 10 year old seeking love and acceptance. The day that I met Mary, I sat with her in her room and asked her to describe herself to me and she responded with this question: "Haven't they already told you that I am a liar and a theif?"

One day, as Mary and I were driving in her neighborhood she started to sing along to the radio. She had an incredible voice and when I told her how beautifully she sounded she told me that it wasn't true, that she knew she had a bad voice - "my whole family tells me not to sing because I sound awful". As I got to know Mary over the first month or so of working with her I quickly figured out that I was very likely the first person in her life to ever pay her a compliment. They say that it takes someone saying 10 nice things to make as significant an impact as saying one negative. I knew that I had my work cut out for me as one of my biggest goals in my relationship with Mary was to try to undo some of the emotional abuse she had suffered. I needed to balance being genuine, with constant praise and positive reinforcement. I asked Mary to make a list of the things that she liked about herself and the things that she thought she would like to improve. After about ten minutes she looked up and said that she was done. She showed me her page and under "Things that I like about myself" was the harshness of blank white paper. Under "things that I would like to improve" were deep and bold written words about her looks, her abilities, her personality. She had no sense of self, no hope for the future, and could not accept that she was anything but a failure.

It has been a long and fruitful journey with Mary. We have laughed together, cried together, said goodbye to her biological family together, and have spent the past year trying to figure out who she was, who she is, and most importantly - who she wants to be. It has been amazing to watch her not only transform, but see her recognize that she beautiful. In the beginning, where I saw a butterfly, she saw a grub. After a year of working through her past and building her sense of self, our images are the same. Her change has not been outwordly like most, but an inward realization that she really is a butterfly. It has been such a joy to be a part of her growth and be able to tell her how proud she can be of herself.

About six months ago I started talking to Mary about her "forever family". I knew that Mary would not return to her biological family and I was excited to see her adopted into a new one. In the world of foster care this term "forever family" is used often. We ask our kids to describe their ideal "forever family", we ask families to consider commiting to be a "forever family" and we search for matches between the two. Mary quickly fell in love with her foster family and they in turn desired to make her a permanant part of their home. I like the term "forever family" because it signifies the longetude of their love and commitment to their new child. They decide that there will be no distiction between he/she and their biological children and they will love the child as if they were born out of them. Even though there may be genetic differances betweeen Mary and her "forever family", her new parents refer to her as their daughter and ignor the questioned looks they sometimes recieve. Before Mary was adopted I spent a lot of time talking to her about her name and asking whether she wanted to change it. She carefully considered this and decided to change her first name to comething unique and carefully designed by her, keep her middle name the same and change her last name to match that of her new family. Without probably realizing it, Mary was carefully creating her new identity. She chose a brand new, unique yet beautiful first name. She controlled it, she chose it... it represents her new beginning, her new identity. She kept her middle name, in a way remembering the family that she came from and her past. Mary changed her last name to that of her new family and her new future. Often the kids don't realize it, but in choosing their new name they also send a message to me that they are ready for adoption and that they are also commiting to become a part of their "forever family". On the day of her adoption, Mary arrived with a huge smile on her face and hope in her eyes. She joined her new family, not having forgotten the family that she left, but recognizing the unconditional love and the bright future she has with her forever family.

In the past year, 4 children on my caseload have been adopted. Preparing, watching, and experiancing these have been an example to me of my own relationship with Christ and the sacrifice he has made for me. Just as Mary's parents have spend enormous amounts of time building trust, showing love, giving discipline, and pursuing her in preparation for adoption - Christ is continually doing the same with me. I don't always recognize it and often mistake His discipline for anger and His suttle pursuit for abandonment. As an outsider watching the relationship build from strangers to family, I am reminder of Christ's ongoing pursuit of me. One day I will fully understand His love for me, for now I can remember that I am a part of His "Forever Family" and will never be abandoned.

Tomorrow, Mary and her new family celebrate as she is baptized into Christ's "Forever Family".